By Roderick (Whiskers) McNibble, Chief Correspondent, Fence-Sitter, and Eyewitness to History
When the world teetered on the brink of disaster, and diplomacy floundered in the hands of Mr Magoo and Plenty Wrong, it wasn't Canberra, NATO, or the United Nations that answered the call. It was ducks.
Operating under the banner of Ratty News, Duck Intelligence launched the most bizarre and effective peacekeeping mission in modern times.
In what is being hailed as “the most coordinated bathroom-based airstrike in military history,”
Ratty News can now confirm the details of a daring mission carried out by cybernetic ducks, an orange-painted B-2 stealth bomber, and a Trojan Duck disguised as a halal-questionable pizza.
All of it launched from a humble hangar just down the red dirt road from Pine Gap.
"Soft Feathers, Hard Wipes"
THE CALL THAT SHOOK THE COOP
According to sources (and a jam-stained telegram found stuck to a thermos), a team of highly-trained cyber ducks, operating from a weathered Commodore 64 behind the Dusty Gulch McFookits, made encrypted contact with President Donald J. Trump.
“I love Ducks. Ducks are the best. Like never before. Nobody’s ever seen ducks like this, folks. Maybe George Washington had ducks. Maybe not.” sources report.
Unconfirmed quote from President Trump.
With Iran preparing its nuclear facilities for unknown intentions, and Canberra unavailable (Mr Magoo was believed to be trapped in a linen closet), Trump took decisive, if unconventional, action:
OPERATION TOILET THUNDER DOWN UNDER
Within minutes, Duck Squadron had mobilised:
THE ORANGE B-2 AND THE RAT WITH WINGS
Under Trump’s directive, an American B-2 bomber was hastily repainted in high-visibility Outback orange - a colour Pentagon insiders now refer to as "Bush Sunset Tactical." It was handed over to Duck Intelligence, who immediately installed Whiskers Dynamic Propulsion™ and packed an emergency supply of pineapple rings and lamingtons.
Flying in stealth formation alongside this modern marvel was the Ratty Airways biplane, its twin pistons coughing and wheezing like a pensioner on a trampoline. Its cargo? A Trojan Duck, dressed as a Crust & Covert pizza delivery driver, and one suspiciously hot, entirely non-halal meat lover's pizza.
PRESIDENT TRUMP'S CALL TO QUACK
THE DROP THAT BROKE THE BUNKER
Upon landing near the Iranian nuclear facility, the Trojan Duck waddled to the gate, pizza in wing, and said only:
“Extra anchovy, no questions.”
When the guards discovered the pizza was not halal-compliant...and worse, included beetroot and pineapple....it was already too late.
The Trojan Duck had released a concentrated aerosol burst of "Rat Cunning", a top-secret Outback biochemical agent developed by elderly shearers and tested on unsuspecting council workers. Its primary effect? Uncontrollable gastrointestinal distress and a sudden need for reflection.
The Iranian bunker staff were overwhelmed, sprinting for the nearest squatty potties with shouts of:
“This is worse than the falafel incident of 2012!”
TOILET PAPER AND TRIUMPH
With the base now functionally out of commission due to "tactical tummy trauma," the real B-2 squadron swept in to complete the mission.
But the real moment of glory came moments later: The Ratty Airways biplane, with a proud flutter of the tail, swooped overhead and released its final payload - a blizzard of toilet paper rolls, each one lovingly stamped with:
“Ratty Peace Corps: Soft Justice, Strong Values”
Witnesses say the bunker staff, mid-wince and mid-wipe, cheered and waved as the white rolls drifted down like eucalyptus-scented snow.
INTERNATIONAL AFTERMATH
Iran has since agreed to a temporary ceasefire with Israel, citing "sincere confusion, mild relief, and a newly discovered appreciation for two-ply kindness."
President Trump called the operation:
“Tremendous. The best ducks. The best toilet paper. Probably the best war-ending blizzard in history.I love these ducks.”
“You can’t unclog the world with more talking. At some point, someone has to flush. ”
- Redhead, 93, Dusty Gulch Matriarch, Toilet Paper Rationing Veteran, and Unofficial Minister for Common Sense
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